FuMPFeST by the numbers

Total music artists there: 16

Artists with full main stage show: 10

Artists with short set in FuMP Showcase: 4

Artists who were there to work the convention rather than perform: 2

Artists who had to cancel due to COVID: 2

Artists I saw perform for the first time there: 2

Trading cards with a FuMP artist: 35

Cards in goodie bag along with bonus 2021 CD, sticker, ribbon, and a piece of tile: 8

People who asked why there was TILE in the bag: 2

Artists there who had merch at Table 27: 12

People looking for new Worm Quartet album Carpe Tedium which will be available soon: 3

People who made at least three purchases at Table 27 after hearing about raffle or wanting to get a CD after seeing a performance: 4

Artists who made purchase at table 27: 10

People who asked me if I needed assistance on Thursday evening since I was struggling to walk after playing 63 holes in 24 hours: 4

Times I needed to walk up or down a flight of stairs at hotel: 20

Times right knee was a serious issue with the stairs: 0

Things at hotel closed for the convention: 3

Animals who were snuggled by Bonnie Gordon: 4

Items gifted to table 27 workers by artists: 3

Worm Quartet parodies performed during Dumb Parody Ideas: 3

Total words in my dumb parody idea that qualified for round two: 10

Seconds after not making the final two I realized upon seeing Bonnie I should have shouted "SQUIRREL!" as she was holding one: 5

Logan Awards finalist songs performed by artist there: 3

Logan Awards finalist songs covered by other artist there: 5

Logan Awards parody finalist songs which I am not familiar with the original: 3

Logan Awards video finalists I have seen before event: 1

Logan Awards winners I have seen or heard before event: 2

Years ago my dumb parody idea was performed about the same topic the Logan Awards video winner was: 5

Seconds in hotel room bathroom it took on Saturday evening to get door handle back in and turn handle so I could get out: 45

Different people I ate breakfast with: 8

People I ate other meals with: 0

Food trucks that were in parking lot: 4

Total shirts obtained: 3

Total CDs obtained: 6

Purchases made for other people: 2

Drawings made of artists made by one fan there: 4

People who signed the golden spatula given to the dumb parody idea winner: 12

People doing interviews for FuMP documentary: 4

People I recommended them interview for this: 3

People I saw react with surprise hearing Marscon 2024 GOH: 5

People who had same reaction after telling them I could rent a bus to have my daughter drive many to Marscon: 6

People playing Boob tree Saturday night: 16

Convention awards handed out after last music performance: 20

Minutes after music ended I was able to head home: 120

Hours between meals on Sunday forcing me to stop and eat before getting on the road: 9

Hours before my workday was starting I finally made it home: 5

Hours worked on Monday np when I realized it was too dangerous for me to continue: 5

Days after con ended I had enough mental energy to write this: 4

By default

While attempting to pay my electric bill with my replacement debit card which the site kept rejecting since it had the same number as the old one but with a different expiration date and code...

I got a text congratulating me on winning the disc golf 2023 Illinois Open Series Season championship in the MA50 division.

A look at the standings confirmed I won since I was the only player who played four of the seven events in MA50. However, this win is tainted.

Two of those four events I barely finished due to my right knee which has been an issue since May before it got worse in late July. 

Had to miss the final event due to the knee and someone who had played three events 39 shots better than me over eight tournament rounds (7 in my group) switched from MA50 to MP50 in that final eveent as no one else registered. Had I been able to play, he wouldn't have switched and would have qualified.

I also know in the one IOS event I played that he didn't, he missed due to "life" and the only time I played a round better than he did among the ten we both were at was at the state championship when I played one of the best rounds of my life the week before the knee went real bad which is similar to what happened with me the week before my left leg gave out in my last ever bowling league against the best in Chicago in the summer of 1994.

I believe there is a season trophy involved which if I get will rightfully give it to him the next time I see him.

Pre FuMPFeST by the numbers

Dollars withdrawn from ATM on Tuesday: 100 

Hours worked on Wednesday before hitting road: 6.5

Miles from work to Con on the Cob which hosts FuMPFeST: 363

Toll charges to drive directly from work to COTC: $31.76

Miles driven on road before discovering debit card no longer works: 90

Miles driven off Indiana Toll Road into Michigan to confirm card was deactivated at ATM to be replaced by one still at my house and to get extra cash: 5

Average cents gas is cheaper in Ohio (not on tollway) compared to where I live: 40

In dollars, how much more a 4pc Popeye's combo meal costs at Ohio Turnpike rest stop than at the one where I live: 3 (At least no sales tax was charged)

Times needing UDisc to find either basket or next tee on nine in West Union, OH: 4

Birdies on course: 6

Birdies on putts that were 50/50 throws that stayed in: 3

Birdie putts missed on a double-doink: 1

Time starting at Perrysville, OH course: 632PM

Sunset in city that day: 715PM

Time to finish round in minutes: 48

Deuces in round: 5

Holes I got a three which were listed as a par four that I changed on app to reflect how they play: 2

People who arrived at Waffle House as I was by car changing out of a very sweaty shirt: 5

Hours two people there had been working as the second shift called off: 15

Extra cash to leave as deposit for hotel room: 60

Phone calls, texts and FB messages trying to figure out how to get and or use replacement debit card: 20

Pairs of socks in bag that originally held six and were the only ones I packed for a four night trip: 3

Miles driven along US 20 Thursday morning to get to next course in Fremont: 25

Signage supporting man who has been indicted almost 100 times: 3

Signage opposing vote designed to protect female reproductive rights: 6

Holes at Walsh Park where my drive left me between 40 and 100 feet: 12

Times I couldn't easily figure out where to go even with UDisc App: 3

Birdies: 1

Discs lost trying to throw a shot I shouldn't: 1

Discs found and posted to OH lost discs group: 1

Miles driven past COTC hotel to get to course in Norton: 15

Holes from short tee (to be used by MA50 in tournament) where on a shot that avoided trees, can get within 30 feet: 18

Different quotes from a book based on a non plausible concept that are listed on tee signs: 36

Deuces on course: 6

Long birdie attempts smited by edge of cage: 3

Deuces "on course" no doubt related to previous nights Waffle House dinner: 1

Items thrown in garbage due to that incident: 2

Dollars left at course entrance found disc drop off box along with apology note: 5

Minutes arriving at hotel to getting checked in due to resolving issue with card: 30

Minutes in hotel room to find bathroom light which was not found until after I took a shower using light from my phone: 15

People I did not know who offered help after watching me struggle walking after playing 63 holes in less than 24 hours and sitting down too long: 4

Times someone forgot it was Thursday since cons generally start on a Friday: 10

People who had filled out their Luke Ski Top 50 poll previously while I was filling out the poll while listening to him talk about his top 50 poll: 13

Minutes it took paramedics to arrive after person attempted to use "heelys" and ended up with an ankle bent 90 degrees in the wrong direction: 25

Times I had to remind myself to ask other people how they are and/or someone important to them are doing because I generally forget to do that and then wonder after how they are: 10

FuMPFeST swag bags helped to assemble: 55

Minutes listening to three performers discuss what songs they could and could not perform during their concert due to the SAG strike: 15

Time returning back to room: 1:15 EDT

Rocking my world

At work on a Saturday, was moving a full skid of packages picked and packed by an all female crew with a fork truck when their female supervisor came by and stated she was going to "rock their world". She saw my puzzled look at that statement then said, "Not you, Ken" followed by them all laughing.

Though she was showing them a new feature that applied to their job and not mine, the laugh felt like it was about the idea that no one would want to "rock my world". 

The implied reaction was accurate. I have chosen to focus my energy over most of the past decade on something I can do as opposed to someone. The one encounter in that time frame involved a financial transaction that became real awkward for me confirmed this is the preferred path. On the rare occasions where there is an opportunity as the instincts still exist, I realize it is best to not pursue them both for her benefit as well as mine. 

The desire to prove them wrong kicked in and was imagining a scenario in three weeks where due to alcohol (the only other plausible circumstance), there could be someone wanting to "rock my world" and I remember similar encounters over the previous decade with others willing to do so. 

As I drove away from work an hour later, realized no. Even before my right knee 6 weeks ago made my desired pursuit difficult, the physical ability to fully enjoy the company of someone else was questionable and I don't mean "tab A" which is still "fully functional".

I don't see myself making a post work trip to Dellwood on the upcoming "Freedom Day" since I am not sure I can safely navigate the steps and the potential drop offs there. After finally getting a birdie last year starting on #13 and playing a real good round that day finishing with a 60 foot throw in on #1 playing my IL States layout along with the IL States 2023 round eight days before the knee went bad where out of 23 amateurs born in 1973 or later, I had the best score, no need to go.

After seeing the MA50 winner get an official recognition from his town, I'm really pissed that for my round two, my name was NOT listed first on the lead card and I did not get the honor of going first which now with my knee, there is serious doubt I will ever be in that situation again.

Alternate disc golf history

While dealing with my right knee arthritis that has deteriorated to the point where I had to withdraw from an event before the second round started even though I had a chance to win, started thinking what if the lottery ticket I bought from the Des Plaines Speedway in July 2022 was the $1.337 billion winner.

As far as disc golf, this is what I would have done with it:

Help out the local clubs that are raising money to improve the local courses which I have been able to enjoy though I lack the physical ability to do much with the physical aspect.

Find a way for local player Dan Schlitter to tour. After he won a Silver Series event in 2021, there was talk about it but he chose to stay home. He deserves a chance to go on tour.

Get Dellwood to finish their new course. They have been working on it for a while and the area deserves another championship level course. Though the labor needed is beyond my ability, there is enough money to get others to do it.

Get the DGPT to come to that new course. I would add $13/entry to the prize fund for all their events and $113/entry for the Dellwood one. No doubt there would be three weekends, one open pro, one age restricted pro, and one am. Would supply high end am prize pack for am.

Get the 2025 World Masters Championship to the area. It would take a lot of money and I would have it. There are plenty of area courses viable for that event. I am aware those best qualified to run this are not interested in doing so but would hope that I could financially convince them otherwise.

Get MA60 at that World's to be two rounds Dellwood using the A bracket IL States lowers layout and two rounds at 50 Acre long 1,6,8,10-13, and 15-17. Then I would have a chance to make the cut. 

When you wish ...

After the January, 1987 NFL Championship Game, there was a commercial featuring MVP Phil Simms showing him winning the game. At the end a voice over mentioned that he won and asked him what is he going to do next. The answer, "I'm going to Disney world!"

For three and a half decades, that commercial is usually done following that game and has been done with other sports including the Chicago Bulls first title in 1991.

After finding out the Chicago area Weird Al Yankovic 2022 tour stop was the Friday and Saturday of the 2022 PDGA Masters World Championship (ironically similar to his 2019 Chicago appearance after the previous World Championship I played) my brain had an idea especially since I got VIP tickets for the Saturday show.

Knowing that I am playing an elite event, realized making the cut was unlikely and a parody of the Disney commercial had to be made. If I have not shown it to you, here is a link to it: https://youtu.be/Iy8-9FEGKbQ

Fortunately my daughter has gotten to the point where she can easily provide "tech support for dad" and put everything together for me but I had to get the components.

Since there was a tournament on the course my event would likely finish two months prior, it made sense to record myself "not winning". With the help of someone working the event after it was over, managed four planned shots on the blue course at Northwood Park in Morton, IL:

Hole 1 tee hitting an early tree and me shaking my head in disgust

Hole 1 putt off basket going down hill long

Hole three uphill standing fairway shot off tree

Throwing my disc golf bag

Though I wished the hole one putt rolled away as opposed to just going way long down the hill, losing my balance on three and having to run down the hill to avoid falling was unplanned and likely the result of playing two tournament rounds on the hilly blue course.

The initial plan of a shot into the water on 6 at Sunset Hills would have required me to arrive Saturday and spend the night since that is 45 minutes away from Northwood Park but was scrapped. (Of course in round three of the event I did it twice)

There were three still shots as well: 

Tournament logo

Park sign: Which was edited two days before it premiered since the initial sign of the picture did not reference the event

Weird Al on stage

For audio, know the opening had to be from Luke Ski "When You Wish Upon a Death Star" with the clank sound of the disc hitting metal after the word a. The timing of that was perfect and any disc golfer could relate to it.

Wanted music that was mocking me and my daughter found Yakety Sax which was perfect though many my age know that from British comedian Benny Hill.

For the voice over, had many ideas and then realized Luke Ski as Gilbert Gottfried would be best.

At the end, wanted only the last four notes from the Weird Al song "Albuquerque" but what was up is fine. When the video was first uploaded, there was a copyright claim and the song was credited through You Tube.

I am grateful for Luke's help and especially for my daughter taking a stupid idea of mine and working with me (which I know was not easy) making it something worth showing people.

After the video premiered about the time I expected my event to end, I tweeted Weird Al, the PDGA, and the event itself hoping it would go viral but no luck. I tried explaining it to Al when I saw him the very next day as I had VIP tickets to his Saturday show but his reaction was uncomfortable which likely was affected by how difficult it was for me to try to quickly explain it.

No christmas this year

As expected, had to explain what I call christmas to coworkers and why I won't experience it in 2023.

Though eligible to play in the 2023 Masters World's, my decision to not play is valid on all counts:

An uncomfortable round trip flight to PHX (with luggage) would be needed along with a rental car to drive to and within Flagstaff along with a seven night hotel stay since Saturday arrival and departure would be necessary. one day earlier than 2022 to adjust to the elevations and one day later in case I make the cut.

The elevation and topography of the region make navigating the courses difficult which has become a recent problem for me.

I am not good enough nor have enough disposable income to justify making the trip.

I examined the 2022 & 2023 results of the six players who made the trip from the Chicago area to play between the MA50 and MA65 divisions and discovered between them:

76 total non flex start wins in a tournament

36 C tier

29 B tier

8 A tier

3 majors

Me: zero. In 10 years, have won six total non flex start C tier events.

There were 15 times in the 18 months I was in a club, league, or tournament against one of the six. All 15 times, they scored better.

Two of the three times there were two of them, I managed to score better than one of them but finished 13 and 8 shots behind the other who won the division. The third time, I ended up doing the "walk of shame" in front of two of them standing on the 12th tee at Sunset Hills in the chase card as I hobbled to the pond in front of #6 to attempt to retrieve two discs that ended up in the pond in front of the green.

Though there were some cases where it came down to one shot, when it continuously happens, the only reason is that they are better.

As difficult as it was to not go in 2015 due to a lie, unlike the rest of the years I didn't play, this one has no one else to blame.

So, what do I need to do to (according to Natalie Ryan) "get better"?

First of all, fix the body. A person whose age equals my BMI could play in Flagstaff and that has to change. Have had moderate success over the past 6 weeks but it takes a long time to undo decades of poor eating. My grocery trip today involved more tasty desired items not in my cart than regular I purchased. The last two autumns also involved a work related issue with the left leg that no doubt contributed to unchecked weight gain that was not corrected once the issues went away.

Another personal issue is failure to walk off the course until satisfied with the result or the body says no. This has definitely caused stress related issues with the body multiple times this year. I scared myself and my card mates at an event two weeks ago with how difficult it was to get up after sitting five minutes late during round two. There have been multiple events over the past two years I could not play due to physical issues.

No doubt, there is likely a better way for me to throw a disc and there are people who can help me with that. Two of them are multi time major champions and are running a clinic in 12 days at 50 Acre Park and it makes sense for me to pay money to see if they can help me.

For some reason, knowing there is something that can be done to make me better provides comfort. It is a bit scary for me to try to be better since there will be a point where there is not much more that can be done.

If nothing else, if the body is improved, navigating courses and getting out of bed and the car will become less stressful.

A reading from the Book of Madman

A coworker woke one morning and discovered to his horror that his wife passed away during the night.

Out of courtesy, an appearance was made at the funeral home though he left well before someone came by to start the unnecessary chanting that has been experienced.

The next day a different coworker, the one who in the past claimed Halloween must be the favorite holiday because of his association with Satan asked how she looked.

The monotone reply, "Dead."

"What do you mean?"

"She is in a casket and not breathing. How else would she look?"

An hour later was called into the HR office because it was reported that jokes were being made about the situation. Had the initial thought of adapting John Cleese's monologue made during the dead parrot sketch which was used to euthanize Graham Chapman been presented, could understand but stating a dead person looked dead gave them nothing to stand upon.

This is why I no longer attend any memorial service unless I could recognize the deceased in a police lineup.

"Masters qualifying"

I tell people the US Disc Golf Championship is the equivalent to the ball golf Masters in that it is held at one course that very few are able to play outside the event, it is treated differently than other tour events, and that qualifying is similar. (The Professional Disc Golf Association in an article quoted this opinion and attributed it to me.)

A few years ago, a women's division was created but unlike the mixed one, it is not a major since the US Women's Open is one.

Other than past winners, qualifying for those two events held on the campus of Winthrop University in South Carolina in October happens throughout the year and the top finishers not already qualified in selected events get a spot to the main event.

Last weekend had a non tour event serve as a qualifier. Called Throw Down the Mountain, it is held on a former quarry site which might in the future get a larger event since six time world champion Paul McBeth teamed up with White Sox pitcher Dylan Cease to purchase the property to make the temp course there permanent.

As expected, Paul McBeth beat the weaker field fairly comfortably and the next four finishers gained the berth to the USDGC, one of which was settled in a playoff. The controversy happened in the FPO division.

The day after the event, the MAGA mom of twins one who finished third and the other losing a playoff posted to multiple forums claiming her daughter won and deserves the berth since the playoff winner, Natalie Ryan, should not be allowed to compete in FPO being transgender. (The exact ignorant words won't be quoted in this blog)

The pro tour and PDGA won't allow her to compete on tour and in majors but will allow the #9 ranked FPO player to play other events this one only having one other player ranked in the top 50. (There is a lawsuit in California about her not being allowed on tour).

As someone replied, "I will refer to someone by however the choose to identify themself but bodies play this event and hers is not female." When I watch her throw a disc, I see an MA1 player and not an FPO and I agree with that idea.

Having a daughter, can relate to the parent. One youth soccer game, I reported a different park district after overhearing one parent state the team had players older than allowed.

Had my daughter lost an opportunity to play at Winthrop to a trans woman, even if she would finish as far out of first as I did in the world's, there would be a desire to approach Natalie with my phone recording, knee her in the nuts, and while she is reacting, ask the camera how she is allowed to play FPO.

Marscon 2023 by the numbers

Hours at work in 32 day span between Feb 5 and Mar 8: 267

Minutes delayed Thursday morning due to work issue that was discovered as I was about to put on my coat: 60

Percentage of area in trip to Minnesota under a winter storm warning: 33

Stops made on trip there: 2

Miles driven while snow fell: 180

Mph reduced due to snow: 5

Speedway employees whose day was made when I quoted Marty McFly as coworker was putting water in the pizza warmer: 1

Total time on trip there: 6hr, 15min

Time less in minutes than second fastest trip taken to Marscon since 2004: 45

Hotel hot tubs no longer operational likely due to law requiring full access and a device to provide it: 2

Pedal turns on fitness room stationary bike made before realizing due to left knee issues, can't: 4

Minutes on treadmill: 25

Times waking up in night and forcing myself to go back to sleep: 3

CDs owned of former Marscon music GOH who joined me for breakfast Friday morning: 4

Stops with a different past Marscon music GOH for purchases related to activities within the hotel: 4

"Random" pictures inspired by Jomez Pro taken inside Mall of America that I wanted to take: 12

Pictures I found the correct place to take: 6

Styles of shoes found in Famous Footwear close what I have worn for years: 1

Total shoes of that style on display, none of which fit me: 9

Minutes spent at MOA store discussing disc golf and other things with two employees the version of me one third my age would be too afraid to do so: 20

Minutes after wondering if non disc golf item seen at that store should be purchased which would require me to exchange same item purchased at store from earlier but realized that the item from original purchase was not with me: 10

Years since a woman made me moan with pleasure at Marscon: 11

Number of times left knee popped while getting on feet after her 20 minute therapeutic massage on the rest of the leg was over: 3

Friday night performers: 5

Those I saw in room while fighting sleep: 2

Total pictures taken of those on stage: 3

Reactions to one of the pictures I posted either by me or someone who reposted it: 20

Air pressure in PSI in right rear tire at 7:40 AM after warning light appeared on dash: 25

Length in inches of metal trailer hitch pin found by Discount Tire employee embedded in that tire: 2.5

Total time there in minutes leaving with repaired tire at no cost: 35

Streak of consecutive years playing disc golf on Marscon Saturday morning stopped since the area course had too much snow to play: 6

Total table 27 merch sales made through installed app on my tablet which was used as backup to main one: 12

15 second videos taken of Klingon Pop Warrior who as explained by name sings popular songs in Klingon: 3

Characters on screen who interacted with Steve Goodie during his performance: 3

People who wanted Robbie Ellis CD immediately after his entertaining performance ended: 10

Others who pre paid for Luke Ski's new CD thinking they were not going to make the trip this year and wanted him to have the money ahead of time to help cover the initial cost of making them: 0

Performers GOH Bonnie Gordon joined on stage to do song she did with them: 2

Projects Bonnie Gordon did that I was unaware she had done: 2

Party rooms on 11th floor which an adult beverage was acquired in attempt to remove enough inhibition to perform "song" in Space Oddity room since the attempt to turn my idea into a dumb parody morphed into a 12 line filk song: 5

Total minutes they were consumed: 30

Number of Mario Kart races played drunk (which was the theme of that party): 2

Seconds in first game from go to realizing R3 and not R2 was the gas: 10

Actual main stage performers with equipment who were jamming in Space Oddity by the time I had courage to try my song making me realize the opportunity was lost: 6

Number of sci Fi/fandom conventions Robbie Ellis and his wife attended before Marscon: 0

People confused Sunday morning with my reasoning behind betting the Cubs to win the 2015 National League Championship based on Back to the Future 2: 4

People who made table 27 purchase in the 45 minutes before first Sunday concert started: 5

Acts on Sunday morning before Dumb Parody ideas: 3

Participants in DPI: 15

Finalists: 11

References to other parodies performed in contest by winning entry: 12

Acts who finished music track with cover: 10

Tom Lehrer covers which will be part of an upcoming CD featuring covers of his material: 2

Generations from one family performing together on stage for one number: 3

Classic comedy songs I knew would be performed as the artist died within the week before the convention: 2

People dressed in the costume from the Fish Heads video for the finale: 13

Temp leaving hotel: 0°C

Minutes to drive first 69 miles to Menomonee Speedway station: 60

Minutes to get back on I-94 waiting for overturned pickup truck in ditch half mile past exit to be removed: 55

Miles past Millston rest area where contents from previous night's 11th floor experience were expurged to exiting snow covered highway realizing it was best to get a hotel: 45

Team when arriving at hotel: -4°C

Time from hotel to hotel: 4hr, 30 min

Miles covered: 197

Time first awake on Monday with plan to go to work after hotel breakfast: 5AM

Time actually getting out of bed on Monday: 730

Temp leaving hotel: -5°C

Places in Wisconsin Dells would have seriously considered stopping if I was 15 years younger: 3

Time for 197 miles from hotel to home: 3hr 30 min

Temp at home: 0°C

Number of times after talking with Robbie Ellis thought it might have been funny to show him that my phone is set to centigrade: 4

Purchases made from dealer room: 1

CDs purchased by those who performed: 5

Of those people who currently or have lived in Illinois: 4

Attendees now known by different first name compared to when I met then first: 3

Others there who live in the expanded Chicagoland metropolitan area: 10

Of those how many I had seen in person within the 360 days between Marscon 2022 & 2023: 1

Though no candy bars were consumed, number of places eaten that serve food considered unhealthy: 10

Birdie recap 2022

When one keep stats on specific holes birdied, can produce this:

Different holes birdied: 236

Of those:

Birdied by more than one disc: 73 (Disc attributed to birdie)

Birdied for first time in 2022: 76

On a new perm hole and or tee in 2022: 18

Temp hole: 13

Hole replaced or pulled in 2022: 17

Par 4 (by a MA55 player): 9

Par 5 (by a MA55 player): 1

First birdie with a disc obtained in 2022: 20

First birdie with a disc lost in 2022: 9

A 75 minute (or further) drive from my house: 31

In Minnesota: 6

In Indiana: 3

In Michigan: 2

By throwing a roller off the tee: 5

By throwing a disc in the basket with a non putting throw: 2

Hitting metal either pole, cage, chains, or top band on first shot: 10

Aces: 0