Here is a chart listing the current status of the 30 other people who share one or both of my grandmothers. Born from the early 1950s to the late 1970s through five different couples as the idea of having many kids was still common since many used to die young but thanks to medical advances, the only child medical deaths were in infancy and are not included.
Except for the one who is incapable of being in a relationship, I am the only uncoupled person among the living 27. I also believe at age 33, was among the oldest to have their first wedding.
As it has been over two years since the divorce, am occasionally asked if I am dating or interested in doing so. Though instincts work, any thought of acting upon them inspires memories that make it a bad idea so when acting upon those instincts are rejected, it is not a bad thing.
Though some memories deal with things specific to those who were in a relationship with me, many of those memories are not. Over the past ten years, have heard new terms used to describe what I generally did in relationships and to be honest, I really don't want to put someone else through dealing with the madman. The phrase "I know my ex is an idiot because she married me" is less a comment about her intelligence but more an indictment of me and that phrase itself is an example of this.
A lot of how I behave towards potential partners is still instinctive most of which was developed at home and in school by the time I was 15. There are a group of people who don't understand why I would not want to spent my birthday remembering those moments while wondering when the next person would ridicule me for how I talk, acted, or how ugly I am.
When I reluctantly joined those people a few years ago most with their partner, there were thoughts that if shared would not go over well and thanks to my reply to a generic post a few months later, one person apologized for how I was treated back then. My desire to thank in person was awkward as a another person was there no doubt to make sure I would not do anything weird.
In the 21st century, I realized some important things. First is that I will never figure out phase two to allow me to profit in phase three. When I was growing up knowing how mathematically and logistically dominant my mind is, never even realized that there needed to be a phase two.
Also realized that it makes no sense to support the political organization whose ideas currently fall in place with the 15 year old version of me. I am positive that had COVID-19 actually been COVID-2000, that I would be among the many mask/vaccine deniers who would have wanted to do what it took to prevent certain people from entering the country, casting a vote, or confirming an election that would undo many things to "make America great".
Though aware that those thoughts are dated, my instincts still kick in like wishing I registered for today's event involving whom I refer as my equivalent of Serena Williams and my "desire to prove that female pro divisions should play for less money than open ones". Unfortunately the chance to break the tie from the Thanksgiving weekend 2019 event won't happen in the 2021 event after being advised by my boss to not make any weekend plans if I am interested in earning money to pay for the ER visit and the car repair needed to make to allow me to renew my plates and to reduce the chance I slide off the road in winter.
It is also a good thing that some of the parodies I have created will never leave my brain, the lyrics to melodies I occasionally hum are not known by those around me, and that no coworker used Google to find out what I meant when referring to the coworker who kept my wife while she was in labor on hold for ten minutes while refusing to page me as "duck butter".
As my trip to Peoria was cancelled due to multiple things, thought about Windycon and trying to relive the awesome birthdays I had there. However, the nights of partying let alone staying up past midnight are in my past along with betting on horses as well as a casino trip which on this date caused me to lose my bankroll almost as fast as the complimentary birthday buffet when my attempt to emulate John Pinette to make up my loss turned into one of Mr. Creosote in the parking lot.
The thought of a strip club also happened until realizing that the idea of scantily dressed women 40% my age trying to get as much money out of me was only made worse by the idea one of them could be from the same graduation class as my daughter.
Since I need to work today at my full time job, not sure if I could get in a disc golf round since the initial special plan of Northwood Park Black is not happening. Might play before or maybe a glow club round after.
A few years ago had an opportunity and made a financial transaction to not feel alone for an hour but it felt awkward since I felt obligated to ask for permission as opposed to acting instinctively and letting someone whom I paid to be with me tell me when something is not allowable.
As personal evolvement continues in what I perceive to by the last quarter of my life, maybe an opportunity will arise and I find another person with whom I could spend time. If that happens, it will be awkward but ... no. It would only cause pain.
