Experiencing desires

While trudging through life, it becomes easy to plan what would happen in certain situations and how things would get better.

For years I would think about enjoying the three bereavement days when my father would pass and what I would do with them since the desire would be to go to work the next day after and when asked how my father is doing say "dead". Unfortunately my body prevented me from doing that and the bereavement time was spent at home with pneumonia and I literally had to work the morning of his funeral since I had burned up all time off being sick. At least when I managed to force myself to play D&D the Sunday I got sick was able to answer dead to one person.

For years I had a plan on what to do if I am ever called into the office at work and told I am not needed. When I was furloughed was going to lose weight and build up strength etc. I realized that in the 2+ weeks I was gone the overwhelming number of movies I watched as well as the time spent playing video games was enormous.

Having gained confidence with talking to women was expecting the same after officially becoming single. For some reason, it disappeared and after a year realized that of the 29 alive people whom had the same grandmother as me (from either side or both) 27 are currently married (though some on #2 and one on #3) and the only other single person is mentally deficient.

When I tell people I know my ex-wife is stupid because she married me, that is not specifically an insult to her. Though instincts and functionality still exist, memories of who I am confirm that acting on any desire would be a horrible idea.

Seven hundred fifty dollars

Recent tax returns made by Donald Trump have become public and unlike previous presidents (or Joe Biden who is running against him) who have paid thousands of dollars or even over one million dollars, the most Trump has paid in any year of the past 15 was $750.

For what it is worth, a two income family that earned just over $50k pay $750 and Trump's net worth is estimated at 2.5 billion.

To me, there are three ways he would only need to pay that:

1) The tax code allowed it. As someone who changed where he stopped for morning work supplies because a city increased their sales tax by one percent, I can understand anyone wanting to pay less.

If anyone can have that much money and can only pay so little, that is a problem with the tax code that should be fixed. Someone who takes advantage of that has zero incentive to change it.

2) Fraudulent return. No doubt someone will be scrutinizing the details of the returns and if something illegal was done, hoping it will be audited and repaid with interest.

3) He has lost money. As income is subject to tax, it is possible someone who has lost enough can write off losses to the point where no taxes would be assessed. That to me could be the worst case.

First off, Trump has claimed business expertise was his forte and why would someone who failed so badly in the real world be suitable to run the country?

Also, has his financial situation effected how he runs the country? Are the trips to golf at his resort a way to generate income? Are policies made just to placate his creditors be it corporations or countries?

There are many who support Trump because he hurts those that are not cis white men by incarceration, medical sterilization, and removing laws that protect their lives or livelihoods, while supporting those who choose to intimidate and harm non cis white men.

I wished they would ignore that and realize what he is doing.

Spotting while sidelined

Due to elbow/arm issues, decided to not register for any of the five events being held last weekend and instead helped at the event I played last year.

Unlike those at tournament central or the person who moved over a dozen baskets between rounds, I was stationed on #11 all day arriving at 745 in the morning where I could see my breath in the mist and leaving at 445 wearing shorts and one shirt.

A spotter was needed due to eight foot high weeds players need to throw over for these reasons:

To let players know the hole is clear.

To let players know if their drive is in bounds and help them locate their shots.

To warn players at the 7th tee when discs are heading their way which I had to do about ten times total.

Other than checking on FB and the NFL games, kept stats this for round one in the shorter position with OB short, left, and long:

MA3 players: 24 OB 4 (4 short) 1 approach

MA2 players: 24 OB 4 (2 short 2 left) 1 approach

MA1 players: 20 OB 3 (1 left 1 long 1 short)

Total pro players: 23 OB 1 (1 left)

Pro players by definition are those who can earn money as prizes as opposed to credit or merchandise.

For round two, the basket was in a longer position not even on the regular map and the cross sidewalk that was OB for round one was in play for round two:

Those OB:

Rec 3 short 1 conceded (the player chose to throw disc five feet instead of trying to make landing zone not wanting to lose his disc as opposed to his brother who tried to reach it and lost the disc)

Int (1 short)

Adv (2 short)

Pro (2 left 1 short)

The short shots from the advanced and divisions were low into the weeds.

Babbling about conformity

Had to explain once again that those with whom I work are generally those I try to avoid outside of it. To be honest, not sure why but seeing coworkers in a different setting becomes uncomfortable.

People who seem happy generally inspire me to bring them down while those unhappy cause me to cheer them up. 

Sometimes my desire for isolation makes it easy for others to annoy me. I loathe the phrase "good morning" at work. To me the good mornings are those where I don't have to work since for a morning to be good, there have to be ones that are not.

My fun part of disc golf is figuring out days before what I will do with the expected wind and afterwards recording birdies and analyzing what happened but for me the best part of it is from the time I leave my apartment until the event actually starts.

I have been asked when was the last time I was truly happy. July 22, 2019 and then explain that four days later the only reason I did not chug a bottle of pain pills was being too exhausted and too sore to get out of bed to reach them.

Been asked why I am so intense in life and that I should smile more. I then try to hold back the anger and the explanation of how I was sexually abused by a teacher who wanted all her students to be happy.

Been told to relax and I state Feb 17, 2034 and then explain why I believe that is the day I expect to die and that if I surpass it, then just like in November 1990 when my fear of death allowed me to cheat it, will figure out what to do next.

I ask coworkers how their job is going out of courtesy and to know if there is something happening that might affect me. They ask how I am doing and my instinct is to answer that question which lately has been PAIN. 

I recently wanted to so badly drive a mile out of my way to say hi and give a surprise hug to someone who needs it as much as I do thinking it would help both of us but know the reaction would likely be yelling or a slap in the face as opposed to the needed release of the stress from the last six months of pandemic based precautions.

Plopping in front of the TV with pizza, Mountain Dew, and weed will not make me feel better. It will just make me fatter and annoyed while suffering through a THC migraine.

As I have stated, I think ... unlike others. Had to realize that someone buying me an unnecessary $30 item is something that should be appreciated though it deserves ridicule. Had to come up with a plan to placate the buyer who noticed my honest reaction.

Trying to fit in is draining. I am sick of explaining my superior logic to those who admit it but then ignore thoughts from it. My alarm for work rings in six hours and I need to try to sleep.

Six percent

Recently the CDC stated that six percent of the COVID-19 deaths in the US are exclusively from the disease only while other factors have contributed to the rest.

Some people have twisted that statistic to claim that far fewer people have died from COVID-19 than reported including those that can't accurately multiply 188,000 (Sep 1) by .06.

Other factors have included heart disease/hypertension which affects 48 percent of those in the US, obesity which affects 40 percent of those in the US, smoking which consist 13 percent of adults in the US, and diabetes which affects 10 percent of those in the US.

People with COVID-19 have also developed pneumonia, blood clots, and heart disease which contributed to their deaths but are not listed as COVID-19 only.

According to the CDC, the most recent report of total deaths in the US from ALL CAUSES in 2018 and 2019 is about 920 per 100,000 people in Q1, 836 in Q2 and 810 in Q3. (Q3 for 2019 is the most recent one where data is available.)

The data for 2020 won't be known until next year. Once those are released, the true toll from COVID-19 won't be realized.