I am home after a memorable day.
Started by going to my cousin's house to see people I generally see once per year (unless someone dies or I get invited to a wedding which I understand why I don't). I appreciate those who bought a raffle ticket to help pay for my daughter's trip to Orlando.
At 3:25, got a panicked text from Carrie stating the VIP preshow event for the Weird AL concert in Aurora was starting at 4. I hustled from 167th and Cicero to get her and then to Aurora in 2 hours in time for a couple cool things including a couple pics taken in the Mandatory VIP lounge to go along with the theme from Weird Al's most recent and probably last album Mandatory Fun which debut at #1.
We then got to the second row as it is festival seating and waited 2 hr for the show to start. The nice venue was only outdone by the 70 degree weather which was perfect for his show the only problem being that the stage setup made it difficult for him to access from the front and not possible to head into the crowd as he had done in all but one of the other shows I've seen over the past 20+ years.
After the show, we joined those at the party and others we knew backstage where I got an autograph and a pic with him.
So why the title? Carrie as well as others who were there commented on the smile I had especially when admitting the 50pt IQ drop I often experienced in the past at conventions. During the show I had on multiple times get my mind to stop thinking about life and to try to fucking enjoy the moment for once I course I then got unhappy with myself because I was unhappy.
After getting back to Carrie's house which took longer than it should not seeing a sign confirming a street that I needed to take, I started to shake. I initially thought it was nerves that happened the previous time I took a pic with AL but it turned out to be lack of food so I stopped at a Denny's as I wanted to see the pics that were on Facebook right anyway.
I did not see my smile in the pics. I did not see a happy person either. I saw the fat, old, sad man who does not know how to just be happy without looking stupid and who was very lucky to not fall 15 minutes before the pic because he was not paying attention to the posts that run under the benches. On the way back from the show to Carrie's, she mentioned the numerous my negative assessments I make of myself.
As I finish the words the following morning with the pics to be added later, the exact words I had eludes me. I know I hold myself to standards which I rarely meet and am aware it takes a toll on me even on the days that try to make up for the rest.
No doubt that is why I turn to food to cope and see the fat way before the smile as it feeds among itself. The evening was also a test to see if I was so tired of life to bother to continue living. Though it was a struggle, I did manage to pass it even three days later at work feeling the energy from the event.