Experiencing desires

While trudging through life, it becomes easy to plan what would happen in certain situations and how things would get better.

For years I would think about enjoying the three bereavement days when my father would pass and what I would do with them since the desire would be to go to work the next day after and when asked how my father is doing say "dead". Unfortunately my body prevented me from doing that and the bereavement time was spent at home with pneumonia and I literally had to work the morning of his funeral since I had burned up all time off being sick. At least when I managed to force myself to play D&D the Sunday I got sick was able to answer dead to one person.

For years I had a plan on what to do if I am ever called into the office at work and told I am not needed. When I was furloughed was going to lose weight and build up strength etc. I realized that in the 2+ weeks I was gone the overwhelming number of movies I watched as well as the time spent playing video games was enormous.

Having gained confidence with talking to women was expecting the same after officially becoming single. For some reason, it disappeared and after a year realized that of the 29 alive people whom had the same grandmother as me (from either side or both) 27 are currently married (though some on #2 and one on #3) and the only other single person is mentally deficient.

When I tell people I know my ex-wife is stupid because she married me, that is not specifically an insult to her. Though instincts and functionality still exist, memories of who I am confirm that acting on any desire would be a horrible idea.