Babbling about conformity

Had to explain once again that those with whom I work are generally those I try to avoid outside of it. To be honest, not sure why but seeing coworkers in a different setting becomes uncomfortable.

People who seem happy generally inspire me to bring them down while those unhappy cause me to cheer them up. 

Sometimes my desire for isolation makes it easy for others to annoy me. I loathe the phrase "good morning" at work. To me the good mornings are those where I don't have to work since for a morning to be good, there have to be ones that are not.

My fun part of disc golf is figuring out days before what I will do with the expected wind and afterwards recording birdies and analyzing what happened but for me the best part of it is from the time I leave my apartment until the event actually starts.

I have been asked when was the last time I was truly happy. July 22, 2019 and then explain that four days later the only reason I did not chug a bottle of pain pills was being too exhausted and too sore to get out of bed to reach them.

Been asked why I am so intense in life and that I should smile more. I then try to hold back the anger and the explanation of how I was sexually abused by a teacher who wanted all her students to be happy.

Been told to relax and I state Feb 17, 2034 and then explain why I believe that is the day I expect to die and that if I surpass it, then just like in November 1990 when my fear of death allowed me to cheat it, will figure out what to do next.

I ask coworkers how their job is going out of courtesy and to know if there is something happening that might affect me. They ask how I am doing and my instinct is to answer that question which lately has been PAIN. 

I recently wanted to so badly drive a mile out of my way to say hi and give a surprise hug to someone who needs it as much as I do thinking it would help both of us but know the reaction would likely be yelling or a slap in the face as opposed to the needed release of the stress from the last six months of pandemic based precautions.

Plopping in front of the TV with pizza, Mountain Dew, and weed will not make me feel better. It will just make me fatter and annoyed while suffering through a THC migraine.

As I have stated, I think ... unlike others. Had to realize that someone buying me an unnecessary $30 item is something that should be appreciated though it deserves ridicule. Had to come up with a plan to placate the buyer who noticed my honest reaction.

Trying to fit in is draining. I am sick of explaining my superior logic to those who admit it but then ignore thoughts from it. My alarm for work rings in six hours and I need to try to sleep.