It was a holiday lunch at any common workplace. The employees mostly in shirts with their names on them were enjoying their meal. At one end was a radio playing a CD of songs of the holiday season as most everyone was talking and laughing. It was interrupted by the door being slammed open while someone barges in, angrily grabs food, and while muttering "fucking asshole", goes to the corner of the room devouring it as if he was in a contest.
Someone goes up to him, puts his hand on his shoulder, "Are you..."
"WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?", the person backs away.
A couple minutes later there was a wall rattling belch from that corner and while getting seconds someone walked up and asked "What happened, Kenny?"
The person stopped concentrating on the food and looked at his dark blue shirt grabbing it just below a patch with a name scripted on it and then peered disgustingly back. "Er, Ken..."
"His name is Larry Csonka. Anyway, with how things are financially, I really can't buy her anything. I don't have the money. Even if I did, why would I get her a present for him?"
writer's note: It is revealed later in the story that since store credit and gift cards were used to obtain presents for his daughter it was accurate to state that nothing was purchased.
"Won't your daughter be disappointed that Santa didn't get her anything?"
"My wife ruined it for my daughter a couple of years ago while my kid was praising Santa for getting her something by telling my daughter that it was me who got it for her."
*****
"I have to know, Ken. What would be your ideal Christmas, er December 25th. What would need to happen to make all your Christmas hopes and dreams come true?"
"Let's see... I can think of five things that would make it happen.
1) Waking up in a house with no annoying lights while not seeing the person who married me. (writer's note: different language is used in the story but I do not feel comfortable with that in this post)
2) Wearing a shirt honoring someone actually born on December 25th.
3) Playing golf.
4) Working a full eight hour day.
5) Getting no discernible presents which means people would respect my beliefs and not violate them.
"I would take any one of them but if all five would happen on one December 25th, it would make all my 'Christmas' (said while making quote marks with his hands) dreams come true."
"Why the quote marks?"
"Christmas is a day of obligation for those who believe in a specific non-plausible concept and before you ask, Chanukah and Kwanza are dates of obligation for those who believe in other non-plausible concepts."
"You know you are going to hell."
"My mom has told me that years ago and anyway, Hell is a non-plausible concept used to coerce people into acting properly even though they should do so anyway in the first place while blindly obeying those in charge even if their ideas and concepts would make the world a far worse place than it actually is."
"Sigh"
*****
A few hours later when it was time to go home, since the building was closed for Christmas, the supervisor greeted everyone on their way out with a handshake and a hearty "Merry Christmas!"
Ken reluctantly mumbled, "Merry Christmas."
Someone else shouted, "Merry Christmas, Ken!"
"See you Monday," was the reply as he walked out the door.
The person stopped concentrating on the food and looked at his dark blue shirt grabbing it just below a patch with a name scripted on it and then peered disgustingly back. "Er, Ken..."
"While backing out of a truck the fucking driver turned on the spotlight five feet from my face. Going to have a migraine the rest of the day thanks to that asshole!"
"That sucks. What is that t shirt underneath and anyway why were you not at the company party?"
Ken cracked a smirk as he opens his shirt to reveal a picture of Carl Sagan imposed over a pentagram with the words "Hail Sagan" in bloody red font under. "Carl Sagan died on this date in 1996 so I wear this shirt in honor of him today and on November 9th which is the date he was born."
Then his demeanor turned while answering the other question which seemed to automatically come from his lips as it had been said many times over the past few weeks, "Since I have to get my daughter after I leave, I can't drink alcohol. Since they serve Pepsi there, I won't drink that. I would also need to leave before they serve any decent food. For me there is no reason to go."
She rebutted, "Why not go just to hang out?"
With an annoyed look coming over his eyes he replied, "It took me years to learn how to forget about this place and the people here once I am no longer within these walls and I really can't do that at the party. Anyway, if I want to be ignored around the people I work with ..."
"Huh? Tell me. You want to say it."
"Never mind." Trying to change the conversation, "I am really not a good social person outside the comfort zone of my house or while working. In most social situations, I usually end up silent in a corner until someone comes up to me. Yes, even in the group I hang out with, the same thing can happen."
*****
While cleaning up shortly afterward someone else asked, "So what are you buying your daughter for Christmas, Ken?"
"To honor the birth of the offspring of the entity which created the universe about 10,000 years ago. Nothing."
Ken cracked a smirk as he opens his shirt to reveal a picture of Carl Sagan imposed over a pentagram with the words "Hail Sagan" in bloody red font under. "Carl Sagan died on this date in 1996 so I wear this shirt in honor of him today and on November 9th which is the date he was born."
Then his demeanor turned while answering the other question which seemed to automatically come from his lips as it had been said many times over the past few weeks, "Since I have to get my daughter after I leave, I can't drink alcohol. Since they serve Pepsi there, I won't drink that. I would also need to leave before they serve any decent food. For me there is no reason to go."
She rebutted, "Why not go just to hang out?"
With an annoyed look coming over his eyes he replied, "It took me years to learn how to forget about this place and the people here once I am no longer within these walls and I really can't do that at the party. Anyway, if I want to be ignored around the people I work with ..."
"Huh? Tell me. You want to say it."
"Never mind." Trying to change the conversation, "I am really not a good social person outside the comfort zone of my house or while working. In most social situations, I usually end up silent in a corner until someone comes up to me. Yes, even in the group I hang out with, the same thing can happen."
*****
While cleaning up shortly afterward someone else asked, "So what are you buying your daughter for Christmas, Ken?"
"To honor the birth of the offspring of the entity which created the universe about 10,000 years ago. Nothing."
"Why is that?"
"Because it is not plausible."
"Yes there can be a God."
"Please without referencing faith or eternal damnation explain how the world was created 10,000 years ago when fossils date life on Earth in millions of years and radio astronomy date the universe in the billions."
"But it is faith." Ken glares back in disgust. "What?"
"That is not faith but ignoring the truth most are too afraid to admit."
"Please tell me you have raised your daughter to believe in God."
"Why would any parent raise their child in a belief different than their own?"
"So if something happens, at least they won't go to hell."
Ken makes a buzzing sound while holding up three fingers. "Three sentences and you are out. Thank you for playing Stump the Madman."
"Would I be able to talk to your child about God?"
"Only if I can talk to yours about God."
"NO! O.K. Are you going to at least get her something for that football player who was born on December 25?"
"His name is Larry Csonka. Anyway, with how things are financially, I really can't buy her anything. I don't have the money. Even if I did, why would I get her a present for him?"
writer's note: It is revealed later in the story that since store credit and gift cards were used to obtain presents for his daughter it was accurate to state that nothing was purchased.
"Won't your daughter be disappointed that Santa didn't get her anything?"
"My wife ruined it for my daughter a couple of years ago while my kid was praising Santa for getting her something by telling my daughter that it was me who got it for her."
*****
"I have to know, Ken. What would be your ideal Christmas, er December 25th. What would need to happen to make all your Christmas hopes and dreams come true?"
"Let's see... I can think of five things that would make it happen.
1) Waking up in a house with no annoying lights while not seeing the person who married me. (writer's note: different language is used in the story but I do not feel comfortable with that in this post)
2) Wearing a shirt honoring someone actually born on December 25th.
3) Playing golf.
4) Working a full eight hour day.
5) Getting no discernible presents which means people would respect my beliefs and not violate them.
"I would take any one of them but if all five would happen on one December 25th, it would make all my 'Christmas' (said while making quote marks with his hands) dreams come true."
"Why the quote marks?"
"Christmas is a day of obligation for those who believe in a specific non-plausible concept and before you ask, Chanukah and Kwanza are dates of obligation for those who believe in other non-plausible concepts."
"You know you are going to hell."
"My mom has told me that years ago and anyway, Hell is a non-plausible concept used to coerce people into acting properly even though they should do so anyway in the first place while blindly obeying those in charge even if their ideas and concepts would make the world a far worse place than it actually is."
"Sigh"
*****
A few hours later when it was time to go home, since the building was closed for Christmas, the supervisor greeted everyone on their way out with a handshake and a hearty "Merry Christmas!"
Ken reluctantly mumbled, "Merry Christmas."
Someone else shouted, "Merry Christmas, Ken!"
"See you Monday," was the reply as he walked out the door.
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