The madman within

There are many places where being the madman can be beneficial if harnessed properly and I have always tried to create situations where I can unleash that aspect to make things better for me and occasionally others and some of my greatest accomplishments in competition happened with me being on the loose.

It does not always work. The same passion and drive that I harness to overcome whatever happens to me can harm others and myself as well. I am aware that many of my physical problems which eventually lead to doctor visits, physical therapy, and even surgery initially evolved with me pushing my body to the point where it starts to bend and then keep going until it breaks. For over 14 months, I have had to deal with elbow pain from doing that in disc golf. I am currently fighting my desire to play in a tournament on Sunday though I do not need the points to qualify next summer for the national amateur championship which I have been unable to play due to my injury this year and last.

My desire does not always create physical issues. It took a long time to realize that people at my company know that I am intellectually capable of doing a significantly more important job where I work but also that I am equally as capable of unleashing the madman in stressful situations and that I am a risk others are unwilling to take.

One of my ways of coping became food after someone in a situation at a con realized I had not eaten in 8 hours after I tossed a table. Of course treating stress with food created more of a need for food which helped worsen my weight issue. I am often scared to eat less worried about what I could do when hungry.

My instinct whenever I do something that hurts others is to try to help even if it is not required nor wanted thinking that I can solve the situation and make it better. Even when told to stop, I often can't and when it does not help, I then try even harder and when that does not work...

Physical damage to myself is easy for me to diagnose. Other things are not so easy for me to see unless told. I even fight my desire to try to help even after told to stop.

As with many things in my world, I have become stuck without a solution that would not upset whatever balance that exists within it.