The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

Truer words were never spoken by Homer Simpson as those about alcohol. This weekend is a convention called Windycon located in Lombard, IL and since it is held on the second week of November, I generally treat that as the time to celebrate my birthday. Last year, we had my Rock Band setup and I hardly drank. This year, I will have no con committments expect for getting home safely and I know of people who would help me if I was unable to safely drive home.

I have had many different experiences involving alcohol and created a chart describing them and will explain them below:



A: Asshole. If I drink a little alcohol, I become one. This is the reason I generally avoid drinking at home, with my in-laws or at work parties. This happens when I have a responsibility towards someone else or something I own and I know I can't drink enough to where my judgement would be impared or when my mood is ruined. In situations where that can happen, it is best for me to not drink at all.

B: Too fast. This happened one time to me when I got to a con at 12:30 AM and quickly drank two awesome tasting green beverages. As I was finishing my second one, I found out Everclear was in it. I have never vomited the same night from drinking alcohol and this was the closest I ever got. Usually when I drive home from a con, I will stop drinking 90 minutes before I need to leave. I realized that it would take more than 90 minutes and for the only time had someone take me home.

C. Ill. I ate too much before that evening and when I added alcohol, my digestive system went into overdrive. Much of the evening was spent making mad dashes to the toilet.

D. Not there. Sometimes when drinking, I get to the point where the taste, concept, or responsibility of alcohol won't allow me to have any more. I am not an asshole but don't get to enjoy the feeling it can give.

E. Square root of 13. This is the stage I was in when the picture on my profile was taken. I start to rate my intoxication level not from 1-10 but based on a number times the square root of 13. This is what happens when someone who can work with numbers like I do starts to drink.

F. Wheeeeeee. The fun things happen. Six years ago this weekend, I got to that point on Friday and somehow my wife also got to that point on Saturday with me. Every time my wife without the kid joins me at a con, I try to get her and I to that point. Only one other time did that happen.

G. Free Bird. I start to show effects of the alcohol most memorably while playing Free Bird on Guitar Hero against a person dressed as a Trojan Warrior at 3 AM. While we were "singing" during the beginning on the song, I leaned back to play notes and since I was leaning against a corner of the bed, fell on my back and was still playing the notes as I staggered back up.

H. Charlie Brown. This happened one time when I was insulted by my in-laws at a wedding and told that I do not drink. Since all they had there was Bud Light, it took a while for me to feel the effects of the alcohol. Doing the Cha Cha Slide, I made sure no one was in front of me. When the line "Charlie Brown" came up, I took three quick steps, kicked my right leg, threw myself into the air and screamed "AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!" landing on my back. I got up to my stunned in-laws, finished the song and screamed at them, "That is why you don't see me drink!"

I. Passed out. Happened twice. Woke up and had no idea how I got there until remembering later.